Am I Actually the Narcissist?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard my clients ask this question. Based on my experience, if one of my clients is asking me this question, it is often further evidence that they are probably in a relationship with a narcissist. One of the patterns coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd in reference to abusive relationships (and institutions) is DARVO. If this is something that you’re experiencing regularly in your relationship, it can make you start to question yourself and your reality. If you aren’t familiar, this is one of the main communication patterns used by an abusive person when they hear perceived criticism or a challenge to the existing power dynamic.
Here’s what DARVO stands for:
D - Deny
A - Attack (specifically credibility/reality)
R - Reverse
V - Victim
O - Offender
Here’s a real life example. Your partner gets home late from work and you say, “Hey, we talked about this yesterday - you told me if you were going to be late, you’d let me know. You didn’t call or text me, so I’ve been worrying, and I had to take care of everything with the kids and dinner by myself. What happened?” This is a reasonable way to communicate with someone who wants to hear you out in good faith. Think about yourself here - if the roles were reversed and you came home late without communicating, how might you respond?
If someone is using DARVO as their response to you, it might sound like:
Deny: "I never said I’d call you every single time—you’re completely misremembering that conversation. And I wasn't even that late; you're acting like I disappeared for days. You’re totally blowing this out of proportion."
Attack: "Honestly, it’s scary how much you need to control my every move. Do you realize how suffocating that is? It's like you can't stand it when the spotlight isn't on you for five minutes. You think your schedule is the only one that matters, and you’re using the kids as a weapon to make me feel guilty for working."
Reverse Victim and Offender Roles: "I’ve been at work all day slaving away for this family, and I come home to an interrogation? I’m exhausted, and instead of a 'hello,' I get a list of demands. You have zero empathy for me. This is actually a textbook example of narcissistic behavior—you’re so self-centered that you can't even see how much I'm struggling. I’m the one who’s actually being emotionally drained here, but of course, it always has to be about your 'worrying' and your feelings."
Can you see how these responses, over time, would start to make you question if maybe you’re actually the problem?
Sometimes abusive people also use DARVO as a way to bait you into a huge reaction - one that they’ll weaponize against you and use to prove their point. This is called reactive abuse, and deserves its own separate post.
If these are the responses you get over and over again, this will naturally start to erode your sense of trust. It is also a two-for-one, because it makes you less likely to bring up issues in the future. Someone with high levels of empathy can almost always find something they did to “imperfectly,” so that tends to just add fuel to the fire.
Like other harmful relationship dynamics, after we’ve experienced them a few times, our brains will start to anticipate those responses to avoid pain. That means before you bring up the conversation, you might feel like your own brain is running you through this same cycle of having to prove yourself, counter every argument, and analyze your motivations. This is exhausting. The entire function of DARVO is to keep you stuck feeling fear, obligation or guilt, where you’ll submit, apologize and continue to be used and abused.
You are easier to manipulate and control this way.
Over time, this cycle can become so fast in your own mind that the second you feel a twinge of anger, frustration, or disgust at something your partner does, your brain is already looping through DARVO to shut it down. This is a form of brainwashing and training. Think of clicker training a new puppy or spraying a cat with a water bottle every time they do something you don’t like. That’s what is happening to you. And our brains are so protective of the pain that they reinforce it even when we’re not with the person.
This is part of why complex PTSD is so… complex. Because even if you disengage from that relationship, you can still be experiencing trauma. It’s often a relief to not have it visible or in your face, but it’s often going on as an almost constant background noise. I can help with this!
Look here if you’re interested in joining my group on recovering from narcissistic abuse or here if you need some one-on-one support.
I have heard some people say that by definition, if you’re asking “could I be a narcissist?” then that’s automatic proof that you’re not. While it’s true that many narcissistic individuals don’t have high levels of insight or introspection, that doesn’t mean it can never happen, especially if they may have traits or tendencies and not meet all the criteria. Thankfully, education and information on narcissism is becoming more readily accessible. My hope is always grounded in the belief that if people really want to change and are willing to do the work of introspection and repair, they can.
However, if you are seeing these patterns in someone else, please do not hear that as hope for you to stay. Please DO NOT WAIT for this person to change, especially if they’re already a full-grown adult. You cannot ever influence or create that change for someone else. If you’re with someone who acknowledges they have narcissistic traits and you’re experiencing a lot of trauma as a result, my recommendation is to make a strategic plan to get out.
You cannot be a rehabilitation center for someone else.
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